“Trust Your Gut”

For the last six weeks I have spent a lot of time, and words, talking about the basics of audition preparation and auditioning. When my children, particularly Zack, were expressing an interest in entertainment, the “process” was the part that frightened me the most. Trying to figure out the how’s, the where’s, the when’s, and the who’s. These were all foreign topics for me. What I was comfortable with was my role as “the mom”. These were my kids. I was raising them and no one knew them better than I did. I was totally comfortable with why we were pursuing these activities and was just as comfortable drawing the line in terms of how far I/we would go. I was the captain of my ship. Unfortunately this led to me being blindsided at times by the unsolicited opinions, questioning, and gentle criticism that was often offered by both close friends and virtual strangers.
We , as a family with a child in entertainment, had a very difficult week last week. This made me decide to stray off the topic of “how to” for just this week to offer some insight on being the parent of a child who is interested in this business.
First and foremost , if your child is driven, I mean really has this dream of being on stage or screen, and is pulling you down this path …then buckle up! It’s going to get bumpy! People who don’t have a child like this don’t understand. I know because as I have mentioned before I was one of those people. I was someone who felt pity for a child being forced into this crazy life and contempt for the parents who were pushing their child so that they could vicariously fulfill their dreams. I was so very wrong!
Zack was always a different kid. He played differently, dressed differently, even moved differently. From the age of less than 2 he would plant himself in front of the CD player for hours, methodically learning the music and lyrics to his most recent favorite artist or show. He only needed a scarf or his sisters robe and an  object that could be a microphone to get lost in his dream world. We started to understand then what was coming our way.  Living in a conservative New England town I always expected I would have to offer him some protection from narrow- minded people who wouldn’t “get” him and, as is often the case, leave him out or tease him. As the mother of three other children and then a fourth , all of whom were fairly mainstream kids, raised with an intact extended and supportive family, I never expected to have to defend myself.
The first time this happened was when Zack was about 6 years old. A very dear, older friend of mine whom I’d known and respected since my teen years asked me, “Aren’t you afraid you’re pigeon-holing him into being gay, letting him do all this dance and girlish activity?”. I know…WOW! SO MANY levels of WOW right?!? But it was an eye opener for me. My heart broke a little and the first chip was made in my armor. Should I be letting him do all this? Was I pushing him? He does boy stuff too! He takes karate, plays baseball and basketball, and has even tried wrestling. Granted that didn’t work out when be broke out of the starting position and pirouetted across the mat, but he wrestled that season. I never believed that you “make” someone have a certain sexual preference, but here was a person I respected telling me that his “group” had been chatting about it at the bridge table, and I started to doubt myself.
After a lot of soul searching and some random questioning of Zack, who was starting to think I was crazy, it was verified that he was a very happy 6 year old boy doing what he loved. When Zack was involved in a ” project” his whole being changed. He was more focused, more animated, just happier. In between projects what I thought would be a nice rest,as it certainly was for me, became almost a “funk” for him.
Over the years there were many other times when opinions were offered, many times as questions and often with genuine concern for our seemingly crazy life. “How do you do it all? Do the other kids mind how much time you spend with Zack? How does he manage school? Are his grades OK? Isn’t he exhausted? Aren’t you exhausted? How do you afford all of this? Does he really know what he wants, he’s just a kid?” Good grief! What can get exhausting is constantly feeling like you have to justify your existence.
You will quickly learn who your true friends are. The ones who offer to help when you are running around like a nut without offering judgement.  The ones who ask about how things are going when they know you’ve been going for call backs. The ones who will come to show after show cheering your child on, never seeming to tire of it. The ones who invite you and your “weird” kid(s) to their home and you can breathe and know you’re kid(s) is/are accepted. And finally the ones who can celebrate with you with the success, and at the same time grieve with you understanding, the changes that are about to happen.
Just as you know who you’re friends are, you’re going to have the same ability to sense the people coming into your child’s life who are there for business only and those that are there for business but will also be good to your child. Don’t minimize the importance of your intuition. There are people in the entertainment business, many of them, who live by the bottom line. They will not blink an eye or miss a beat while taking actions that will break your child’s heart. This is, in my opinion, not done intentionally. They don’t set out to be cruel, but the human factor isn’t on their radar. It’s all about that bottom line.
As a parent, you need to be on the lookout for these characters. If something doesn’t seem right, ask questions. Never do anything without a signed agreement or contract. Your child should never be alone in a room with one adult nor should the adults allow themselves to be put into this situation. There are always 2 adults with children. If your child isn’t happy to work with someone, have a casual chat and find out why. You would do this if he/she came off the school bus and didn’t want to ride again. You’d know something was up, and the same thing should come to mind if they’re not happy about going to work for this dream of theirs.
Most importantly make sure that it’s always what they want to be doing. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in a process and get involved to the point that it feels like you’re riding a wave. You have to check in with your child and make sure it’s still what he/she wants, that he/she is still happy and having fun. They are children and sometimes something that sounds so great in theory, is in reality, actually work, and they change their minds. I remember one year for Christmas all Zack wanted was a magic kit. He was so excited when he opened it! He tore it open, whipped out the wand and started waving it around. After a couple of minutes he sadly said “It’s broken!”. You see, he thought the wand would work. The magic he expected wasn’t there. As the parent you need to check on them and make sure they are doing OK. You always have the power to stop the bus!
They are children, but a lot of the time in this business they are doing , and getting paid to do, a grown up job. We choose to keep Zack in the loop on all the business of the business. We don’t offer all the drama but just the facts, how we feel about things, how his siblings are feeling, the financial implications and ask him his thoughts. He understands that we will always support him as long as we can and with this open dialogue there has been no resentment.
We have had to work very hard over the last 6 years to make sure we were going down the path Zack wanted to be on in a healthy and constructive manner, and in a way that was manageable for the rest of our family. This is no small task, and believe me, it hasn’t gotten any easier as he’s moved to the professional world, but it can be done! Find a good friend in the industry whom you can run thoughts and concerns by ; he/she will always bring honesty and often some clarity! Trust your gut!
Next week we’ll get back to business and talk a little more about agents, managers, casting directors, and the creative team so you’ll have more of an idea of who the different players are and what role each of them play.