“What if Something Better Comes Along…”

So I’m afraid this week you’re going to be stuck with another opinion piece. I’ve been asked my how I feel about this scenario several times in the last month and feel quite strongly about it, shocking I know, so now you all get to hear about it. My editor, aka/ retired English teacher mom, is in Paris this week so please excuse any run on sentences or poor grammar.

We all parent differently. Despite the numerous “how to” books you can buy there is no secret recipe for success. There are weeks that I feel I have it all under control, that I really have the whole “mom” thing running like a well oiled machine, only to be humbled by the next stumbling block that comes flying out of left field. My point being that I will express in this blog how we as parents , Sean and I, have chosen to deal with this scenario with clear understanding that ours is not the only correct way.

How many times has your child begged you to let him/her audition for the local production that your community theater is producing? We have heard “it’s the role I’ve always dreamed of!”, “all my friends are going to be in it!”, and “Please mom! Please dad!” More often than I would care to remember. We love our community theater. It’s where our children have learned to love theater and they have gained so much skill through their experiences there. Here’s the catch. You’ve just spent money, time, & energy for the last several months obtaining an agent, creating a resume and headshot, and have made several trips into the city to audition for the “big leagues”. How can you tie your child’s time up with a community production when you have already firmly planted both feet on this path to professional theater?

It’s tricky! You have to decide right from the beginning that once you commit to the production you are not leaving despite what other opportunities might come along. We had to sit Zack down and make sure he understood that this was his decision. If he auditioned for this show and was cast he couldn’t change his mind later because something “bigger” or “better” came along. It wouldn’t be fair to the director or to the rest of the cast and a commitment is a commitment, “you’re only as good as you’re word”.  If he still wanted to audition then I would also email his agent and give him a heads up about Zack’s plan and the dates involved and make sure that he didn’t know of any reason for which we shouldn’t pursue the opportunity. Inevitably, each time after Zack was cast and accepted the role, some great opportunity came up with which the local production conflicted. Sometimes the other project would accept a video submission in light of the conflict, other times we simply had to pass. It was hard to watch the opportunity slip by but we felt strongly enough about the lesson the situation taught to let it go.

Friends and aquaintances struggle with this too and will ask my opinion. Her are my thoughts:

1) To quote a favorite show “A contract, is a contract, is a contract”. Whether paid or not you and your child gave at least your word, if not your signature, saying you would participate in the production. What lesson are you teaching your child if you allow him/her to leave the theater in the lurch to take another, “better”, opportunity? You’re teaching them you can step on whomever you want to on your way up the ladder, it’s OK to bail out on your friends and set them up for unnecessary trials or outright failure if it helps you to succeed, and that some people are more important than others. Sean and I agree that as much as we want our child to find success on this path he is traveling, our first goal is to raise a kind and independent child who has integrity, compassion, and loyalty. Of course you could discuss this with the director at the theater and perhaps they may have an option “B” for your child that would allow them to leave the local production without causing too much difficulty. This has not been our experience and we have watched as many relationships have been irreversibly damaged in the process.

2) Every role is a good role. It is what you make of it. I personally have a problem with the philosophy that a child has “out grown” an ensemble role or can no longer learn from a community theater experience. Bologna! Each new role, no matter how big or how small, gives your child an opportunity to embrace a new character with new challenges. The challenge could be in the spotlight singing a solo, an ensemble role playing three different characters and learning how to quick change, or an ensemble person with one role also helping with scenery changes and a need to remain quietly backstage. Guess what!?! Even most Broadway actors have to play more than one role, know how to quick change, and …yes…even have to change scenery. There may be long periods of time in professional shows that actors are expected to remain quietly back stage. It’s a very important skill. Your child will learn and take from the experience what they invest in the experience. It may even offer an opportunity to act as a mentor, you won’t know unless you keep an open mind.

And finally,

3) This is your child’s dream. To a certain degree they are choosing their own path. You may not agree with the choice of what may feel like a “step back” to the community level after the investment you’ve made in the professional process but as the parent you are really just the “guide”. It’s his/her journey. You can express your concerns, make sure he/she understands that once the commitment is made you expect him/her to follow through, and ensure that it is understood that there may be sacrifices if other opportunities come along, but ultimately it is his/her choice to make.

It’s hard sometimes. They are our children. We are programmed as parents to want them to succeed. Sometimes we can confuse success with money and notoriety and forget about happiness. There are times, for reasons we do not always understand, a role comes along that is tremendously important to our child and he/she will invest in the role and will be happy and learn more than you could imagine from the new experience. In my book this is a great success story! What’s that old saying…”one in the hand is worth two in the bush”.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. In the grand scheme these are truly not life altering choices; however, how you react and follow through with them certainly can be life altering as you are setting examples for your child to follow. Don’t lose sight of your goals as his/her parent while also playing a part time role as his/her manager.

As always thoughts are welcome.